paternity – real and imagined



now playing: super seventies internet radio


happy birthday to me….of course, it’s after midnight so this one is behind me at this point.

i’ve never been much of a person for celebrating birthdays…they seem like much more important milestones when there are fewer of them. even as a child, though, i never gave my birthday much creedence. in fact, outside of my childrens’ birthdays, i’m not high on celebrating other peoples’ birthdays either.

samantha and shanna had a cake waiting for me on friday night when i took dylans’ old bunk bed over to give to shanna, and shanna had written me a very sweet note and given me a couple of her stuffed animals as a gift. i went out to dinner on thursday night with dylan and wendy in celebration of our anniversary…which is a little too close to my birthday for comfort, really – dylan got all dressed up and looked quite spiffy.

i got my customary two hours or so in with jayda this afternoon when we went out to dinner for my birthday, on the way to drop her off for her last week at kutztown university for the summer…i know she’s going to miss this when it’s over. she’s been missing her friends from the neighborhood, i know, but this seems to have had a really good effect on her. i haven’t had a lot of time with her in the time she’s been in the program, but she’s made a lot of new friends and has had a lot of fun. she also wrote a story that i’m going to post here when it’s finished and she gives me the word…she’s becoming quite a writer.

dylan called me tonight asking me to intervene on his behalf and get him out of going on vacation with his mother and company next week…he didn’t offer much up in the way of valid excuses, save for “i don’t want to go” and “i’m tired of the shore” and the like (i’m not one for going to the same place every year for vacation, which is all the rage in these parts, but this will only be their second time going…which lets all the air out of that argument.).

i’m not sure what to make of this…first of all, dylan is much more complex emotionally than anyone wants to admit to, either publicly or to themselves, i think. there’s a reason he doesn’t want to go, but none of his arguments add up, and he’s not copping to anything any deeper than what he’s said. he mentioned that he wanted to hang out with his west reading friends that week, but this would assume that someone else would be home during the course of what would be a weeks’ worth of workdays to get him from point A to point B, and that’s not going to be the case. he says that his mom removes herself from the group when they go there, that she’s gone so far as to actually draw a circle in the sand and sit inside it and banish anyone from breaking her boundary. i could see that happening (and she did say “i only did that once” when he brought it up), but i’m inclined to think that the bigger issue is where dylan sees himself in this group of people.

i’m beginning to think that dylan is going to be very much a “small groups” kinda guy. i see it in his friendships as much as in his family. his mothers’ home is absolutely chaotic – his mom, between jumping through hoops to try and balance a job with tending to her own children, a step-family, and a very demanding, obnoxious bark-slobber-and-piss factory of a dog, i’m betting that dylan doesn’t see himself as the priority that he thinks he should be.

this is not to say that he’s necessarily correct in this assumption, but that’s the only thing that presents itself as an explanation of his behavior at the moment.

dylan insists, though, on positioning himself as the spoiler at every opportunity. if everyone else in the car wants chinese food (his favorite), he’ll ask for burger king or arbys’. if jayda wants taco bell, he wants mcdonalds. now, keep in mind – if dylan is asked first, he’ll answer with the groaning, multi-syllable accented noise that has become HamptonSpeak for “i dunno”. in fact, it’s almost a rule of thumb that dylan won’t have an opinion until a consensus has surfaced – at which point his opinion will formulate on the opposite side of the consensus.

at any rate, though, dylan dropped this bombshell less than a week before the cars pull out of the driveway. he said on the phone that he never wanted to go, that this whole decision was made without his consent or approval – yet he had no explanation for why he didn’t speak up sooner. nor did he have anything to contribute, in terms of alternatives for where they should be going on vacation.

there’s something bubbling under the surface that seems to be getting closer to his skin as time passes…and he’s not giving away any clues at the moment.

i had to tell him that since he couldn’t be bothered to speak his mind as the plans were being formulated, since he hadn’t bothered to say anything as money was being spent on this trip, that i wasn’t going to try to get him out of it. the time to speak up was when this whole scheme was concocted, and he chose to remain silent, and that now he’d have to go through with it. the lesson (hopefully) in that is that you have to speak your mind and say what you want or don’t want when it’s appropriate to do so. he sat silently the whole time this trip was being planned and said nothing…and now, for reasons that he won’t divulge, he doesn’t want to go on this trip.

i don’t get it.

but, then again, there are many things about my son that i don’t understand.

thankfully, there are many that i do.

i had a dream over the weekend that a girl that i was madly in love with during my wales days had a child recently (very recently…like less than a month ago), and had filed a paternity suit, hoping to prove that i was the father. this, in hopes of securing medical insurance for the child, who was born very sick…

i haven’t seen this woman since 1986.

my subconscious doesn’t follow logic very closely.