now playing: michael mcdonald, “i can let go now” (…on repeat all by itself in winamp)
this week feels like spring of 1997 all over again.
crumbling relationships, uncertainty, simultaneous fear and excitement about what the short-term future holds, trepidation and possibilities – the similarities are evident all around me.
ending a relationship that wasn’t supposed to end. moving back to the city. steeping myself in a musical endeavor. renewing my effort to try and bridge a gap in my relationship with my kids (although circumstances there couldn’t be more different than they were almost a decade ago, when i did this the first time).
i can feel every nerve ending in my body right now, and it’s freakin’ me out considerably.
i don’t recommend this path as a method of jarring oneself loose from a deep funk to anyone…but if you must, i can tell you that it works….although the end result may be worse for you than whatever pre-existing funk mighta been.
i have so much shit to do that i can’t think straight. my “to do” list is three pages long. reading it makes me physically dizzy.
and while i realize that, at the end of all this, things will be better for all concerned, the generalness and complete lack of clarity as to what that means is somewhat frightening.
i’m trying to combat that by painting small pictures in my head of what my life is going to be like in a few weeks.
for instance, the bus terminal is only a half dozen or so blocks from the new place. on days when neither kid obligations nor gigs come into play, i can take the bus to and from work and save on gas.
i can clear the balcony outside my bedroom and take the easel out there and draw or paint if i choose to…or sit out there and play guitar and annoy the neighbors (since my reggaeton chops are pretty dismal).
i’ve been focusing on all the work that the place needs to meet even minimal decor standards, and that’s just making me tired. my shoulders hurt just thinking about it.
never someone that i’ve looked to for nuggets of wisdom (although if you want a bad pun, she’s the second person you should see), the woman i share an office with came through with a gem earlier this week.
she said that when she started down her own personal descent into the disintegration of her marriage, she heard from someone that there is always one person that you’d never have thought you were terribly close to that would come through for you in a big way, and that there’d be one person that you were certain would be in your corner that would prove to be a disappointment. no matter how well you thought you knew them, you’d find this to be the case with at least two people. she said that she found it true with her, and i think i’ve already found it true with myself – although it’s early yet….i’ve been mistaken about this kind of thing before. but i have found a great deal of comfort in renewed relationships with a couple of people that i’ve either been out of touch with for some time, or whom i’ve never really explored anything deeper than an acquaintance…so that’s been an unexpected pleasant surprise.
entries are short these days, and time dictates that they be so. this will change in the not-too-distant future. i have lots going on and plenty to say about it….
…just not right now.