now playing: marshall crenshaw, “monday morning rock”
today, i’ve gotten my sixth email asking not to buy gas on a specific day, and all the days have been different so far. the one today was especially funny, because it said that “september 1st has been formally declared ‘stick it up their behind’ day”, and that people from the US and canada should not buy any gas on that day. now it goes without saying, of course, that this date isn’t consistent with the dates in the other emails, but i also marvel at someone who would go through the trouble of FORMALLY declaring a specific day “stick it up their behind” day. i could see a proctologist perhaps subscribing to that notion, but i just don’t know how formal you can make “stick it up your behind” day. kinda seems more like an off-the-cuff, spur of the moment kinda thing.
i think i’m going to start an email decrying the price gouging that campbell’s soup has done in the time since buying up chef boy-ar-dee and ask people not to buy spaghettio’s on september 23rd, so that their stockpiles of tomatoey goodness start to back up and overflow their warehouses to the point that they’ll have to sell them for fifteen cents a can to clear their backlog or possibly face bankruptcy…or worse yet, people might just realize that it isn’t as hard to live without spaghettio’s as they thought, and they might stop buying them altogether! and if that happens, well – life as we know it would be completely turned upside down. i mean, what would they do? go back to – egad – cooking actual food?
i just can’t continue this particular scenario. it’s too painful, too scary, to consider.
i’m sorry if i frightened anyone.