the first small step

 

now playing: jackson browne, “the times you’ve come”

 

i don’t know if it’s human nature, or if it’s just my own dysfunction – but today i find myself pondering this one, solitary point…

…why do we insist on tearing down a house, and then wallow in disappointment when it offers us no shelter?

i can’t speak for anyone but myself, obviously…but there seems to be a repeating pattern here: i sabotage or destroy something and then lament its demise.

i shut a person out of my life, then wonder why they treat me differently.

from a logical standpoint, this is madness…both the behaviour itself and the grieving that follows. it almost feels like a form of emotional self-mutilation, in a way. it uses unresolved resentment as fuel, and a little goes a long way.

i’m not ok with this. i was never ok with this.

thing is, at one point i was doing something about it. but i stopped.

tonight, i start over.

wish me luck.

in the time we’ve known
that we each are a part of one another
we’ve lost as much as we have won
and as our lives have grown
it would seem that it only brings us pain
to hang on to the things that we have done

still i love these times you’ve come

when you went away
taking all that i’d built my false road on
i dropped my life and couldn’t find the pieces
and now you come and go
and it’s hard, but i feel my strength returning
we’ll see how far this new road reaches

you see a little more each time you come

and everybodys’ gonna tell you it’s not worth it
everybodys’ gotta show you their own pain
you may try and find your way up around it
but the need for love will still remain…

(excerpted from today’s now playing selection)

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