looking skyward


now playing: bob seger, “against the wind”

i think i’ve always known why it’s hard for me to keep running journals. in fact, this one has far and away broken the record set by my written ones for continuity, and it’s because it’s been very easy for me to commit something to it on a regular basis…even if i didn’t have a great deal to say.

my achilles heel is that i find myself in situations, like right now, where i’ve allowed too much time to pass and there’s so much that i want to get off my chest that i don’t even know where to start.

i made an appointment to see a lawyer today, someone i had asked a co-worker about. called first thing this morning, set the whole thing up, and then got so busy that i couldn’t go. this is a pretty stupid time for me to try to do this to begin with, but this morning it seemed like the single most important thing i had to do.

now, it doesn’t seem quite so urgent as it did.

now, i’m just tired. tired and sad and angry and looking forward to a time when i can shut the world out and hide in my own place. now i don’t want to deal with the lawyer – not because i’m any less pissed or determined, but because i just don’t have the energy for it. i’m sure my angry determination will probably fade as my energy continues to, anyway.

i don’t have the energy for my old friends’ wife, the asshole, who relentlessly hounds me as if it’s funny every time i go to his house to look at his computer for him. he’s been married to her for decades…and there’s a special place waiting for him at god’s right hand when he ascends to heaven for having the patience to put up with her shit for all these years. he actually called me at work today to apologize for her behavior. un-fucking-real.

i don’t have the energy for half-hour conversations about what color of ethernet cable should be used for what application. in fact, i just want this whole thing to be over, because while i appreciate the extra income from working hours piled on top of hours, it’s taking its toll…and i’m eventually going to need a break. a real break.

i don’t have the energy for being a member of the Teenage Crisis of the Week Club, which i seem to have been inducted into without my knowledge or consent…today, there’s a new jayda story…just as mind-boggling as the last, and arousing just as much suspicion as the last, and once again i sit here scratching my head, wondering why she’s so bent on throwing her life down the toilet because she can’t see the big picture and realize that where she’s at in life right now will be completely insignificant in ten years…except for how it’s shaped whatever her reality turns out to be in the future.

chris called me this morning…and of course, she was completely open with me about the things that are going on in her life, completely candid, and concerned for me and where my head was at….and i was unable to say anything of consequence to her because of the constant stream of nerds that parade through my office with questions about wireless networks and power supplies and the like. so, not only do i feel as though i couldn’t truly communicate with my friend, i felt as though yet another opportunity to get some of the things off my chest that aren’t appropriate for this space pass me by through no fault of my own…another missed opportunity.

i feel as though the events of these past few days have unwittingly reinforced a lesson that i think i learned a long time ago – if you’re willing to be vulnerable, if you’re willing to show someone who you really are, if you’re somehow willing to chance revealing yourself in any way, then it’s time to look skyward….

because as sure as the sun rises and sets, you’ll see the Wile E. Coyote ACME Anvil falling towards your head.

somehow, at some point, i think i assumed (as a result of that particular lesson) that i could do that whole Jerry Maguire dance…that “maybe i’m not built that way” thing. you know, right? the thinking that you could do the partnership thing like a business, where you both have your roles and you get by on that and leave your heart out of it?

now, nobody ever makes that decision consciously. no one actually sits down and has that thought actually occur to them. but it slips in there somehow…that love is a business, just like everything else in life, and that you can run it that way.

and hell, some people can.

i don’t think i’m one of those people.

but i don’t think i can do it this way, either.

in fact, i’m not sure that a “way” exists in which i can do it.

this week will continue to be busy…i have two happy hours this week – tomorrow and friday – and i have youngers rehearsal thursday night. somewhere in the midst of all that, i also have to find a bed for myself and my daughter and a few other various household items that will no longer be there when i go home on friday night.

there are many things with which i can busy my hands…a few with which i can even occupy my thoughts.

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