occupational baggage

now playing: james taylor, “that lonesome road”

so i’ve agreed in principle to limit my public thoughts about the things that are going on at home during the course of the events of the next two weeks. for a number of reasons – not limited to the potential for regret, hurt feelings, and just plain ol’ TMI (too much information).

i’ve struggled with this, privately and on this page – in terms of how much to share. i’ve said before that this space probably isn’t an appropriate venue for delving too far below the surface, since it is attached to my site…and i’m not sure how much of this would be of interest to anyone coming to my site for other reasons.

the flip side of the coin is that this is me…the things i write here represent my life, where it stands at a given point, my thoughts…and this has been the one forum where i haven’t felt compelled to gloss over the shitty stuff and only offer up the good parts. i’ve turned it into a sanctuary for things that i don’t put anywhere else – and while i still feel that this is a good thing, i’m not so sure (with circumstances being what they are) that it should be a public thing. it’s not fair to others who are supporting characters in this ongoing story to portray my viewpoints here for you all to see, in a place where they may not feel that they have a voice. sure, the comments are there for anyone to take advantage of…but it’s not hard to see where that could become a quagmire, too.

one man’s discussing their feelings is another man’s public ridicule…and even though i’ve tried to be as fair about all this as i possibly can while discussing certain things that i’ve encountered in my life (especially of late), that doesn’t seem to be enough of a concession on my part.

so where this subject is concerned, i’ll address it here the same way i address it in the other areas of my life….

i just won’t talk about it.

but that includes the good as well as the bad….and as far as this forum is concerned, i feel that i gave the good a disproportionate amount of ink and omitted reams of the bad in the interest of sidestepping character assassination or appearing vindictive or hateful, because that’s not who i am.

at this point, though, frankly…i’m sick of talking about it. and i’m sure that the few folks who drop by here are probably sick of hearing about it, if i’m tiring of bringing it up. usually, the listener is tired of this particular subject light years before the person living it is finished talking about it.

i’m finished talking about it, i think.

i do appreciate the patience, support, and empathy you’ve shown during all this. you know who you are.

in other news, i had to call my friend of over a decade last night and tell him that it might be in his best interest to find another guitar player.

i was supposed to rehearse with nik everett and his band last night, and instead had to recover from an occupational ambush that kept me here until almost an hour after i was supposed to have been at practice…and this isn’t the first time this has happened. in fact, there have been a few times when i’ve had to drive all the way out to phoenixville for rehearsal and turn around and come back to work to finish the end of day data processing or something similar. right now, we’re in the beginning stages of a half-million dollar complete server upgrade, and all the infrastructure has to be done (old servers sublimated, new cisco firewall, new switches, reorganizing the patch bay, re-routing of the old, setting up the new)…then the servers actually show up. then they have to be set up, then the old has to be migrated to the new – used alongside the new, even – until the old can be taken off line….and the thing you have to understand is that we have a three man crew here, including the boss…the whole upgrade is glenns’ brainchild, his baby – and he helps out in terms of direction, but most of the grunt work has to be carried out at a time when productivity is minimally impacted – after hours.

guess who that falls on.

the thing is, i’m not even complaining…i completely understand the benefits of what we’re doing, and right now is probably a good time in my life to be distracted disproportionately by work – it makes it easier not to dwell on other things.

but i also don’t want to be the weak link in the chain, where nik’s band is concerned. i don’t want to be “the asshole who’s always late” or “the guy who can’t come to practice” or “the guy who (insert custom resentment here)”. i want to do this right, and if i can’t (which seems to be fast becoming the case), it’s better that i get out of the way and let nik find a player who can be more reliable than i can right now.

i’m going to make the next couple of practices come hell or high water, and i’m going to do the tin angel gig in may, and after that, i’ll be going on the disabled list, listed as “questionable” – i didn’t quit outright, but i did ask him to start looking for someone who can be a regular part of the lineup without all the occupational baggage i bring to the table right now.

this was the last full-time commitment i had. other than the occasional fill-in for the viva gigs and this whole “tommy” thing that’s coming up in july, there’s absolutelynothing musical on my plate right now.

work, wife and kids, living situation. that’s it right now.

and it’s a pretty lopsided bar graph, too.

sunday night, wendy and i bumped into brian rutolo, the drummer from shame at target, looking at area rugs to put down on stage under his drums (if you look, you’ll often see carpet or carpetting of some kind under the drummer – this is because the force from the bass drum pedal drives the bass drum away from the drummer as it’s played if there isn’t something on the floor beneath it to keep it from “creeping” away from him). they were preparing for a TV taping for Comcast yesterday.

i dreamed last night that i was walking around behind the stage area at an amphitheatre in the area, and a country star whose music i absolutely can’t stand walked up and asked me if i was interested in playing in his band…and i was overjoyed. i couldn’t wait to get started.

what the fuck, man?

there are some seriously crossed up electrodes in my brain, methinks.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s