now playing: shane nicholson, “keep it together”
i came home after midnight. i put the six pack that i bought to take home with me in the fridge, after walking past an indifferent spouse who was watching the papal funeral on television. i took one of the beers out and took it with me to the basement, and sat in the basement with one of my guitars, playing idly and staring at a picture of my children that hangs on the wall right behind the television in the basement…dylan wasn’t yet a year old, and jayda was…well, jayda’s been the same age since she was born.
i felt the tears start welling up in my eyes…
so much more. there’s so much more i could have done for my kids, had i not been married more to this insipid dream of mine than i was to the prospect of being a better father, a better provider, a more available friend and companion to the people around me who needed me.
in retrospect, what exactly is it that the pursuit of this dream has given me?
heartache, discontent, jealousy, envy, a sense of inadequacy, mistrust, and – of late – a sense that i’ve allowed this dream of mine to rob me of things much more important to me than the dream itself.
it’s now after 2 am…and this week has taken so, so much out of me. i don’t know where to start, in terms of recovery. i don’t know how much i feel like sharing here about any of this. right now, i’ve had one (or two, or seven) too many beverages, and i should be in bed.
or on the sofa…
the things i’ve consumed this evening won’t allow for much elaboration, where my state of mind is concerned…but i’ll be back to normal soon.