simplex circuits


now playing: joe walsh, “pretty maids all in a row”

yeah, yeah, yeah…it’s officially an eagles song…sue me.

i told wendy once that joe should sing lead on all their songs, because the harmonies would always be amazing…she looked at me like i’d just sprouted a horn from my forehead. i knew what i meant, though.

there’s something i need to address regarding wendy and some things i said here recently.

wendy insists that she was truly sick last weekend when she was sequestered in her room, and while i don’t think that being sick in and of itself was the sum total of her motivation to stay in the bedroom most of the weekend, i don’t think i gave her a fair treatment when i talked about it here. the brian wilson comparison was a cheap shot, to be specific, and i’ve felt bad about it ever since i posted it.

i know i’m capable of using more tact in discussing these kinds of things than i was in that entry…and while i stand by parts of what i said, certain parts – certain likely obvious parts – were in pretty poor taste. and for that, i apologize to her and to anyone else intimately familiar with our situation who might’ve been offended by my judgemental lapse in choice of words.

i’ve started and then abandoned about three different entries, on various subjects, over the course of the past few days…on why it is that i’m really starting to resent certain aspects of what it is that i do for a living (the endless parade of stupid people who refuse to utilize just a modicum of common sense where their machines are concerned…that’s a big one right now)…on some recent thoughts about the pros and cons of familiarity and how it can be a source of peace as well as a poisonous breeder of apathy…but i haven’t finished any of them yet. work and life have been conspiring to prevent the usual lengthy streams of introspection that often come with long sessions of installing windows and such.

my office mate is back today…her first day back is always tough, because i find myself having silence withdrawals. she was out yesterday, and although i was swamped, the air in the office was blissfully devoid of idle chitchat and divorce updates and really bad puns…only the strains of god’s own winamp playlist and the hum of the perpetual desk fans (which are necessary in here, since this room is the warmest by a long shot of any in the building. and yes, it has been mentioned that computers should be serviced and stored in a cooler environment…to no avail.)

so i’ve gone from tony bennett softly crooning “the way you look tonight” over the gentle hum of the fan behind me to mary ann in all her glory with both barrels blazing from the moment i walked in this morning.

yeah, it’s requiring some adjustment.

she’s not malicious, and she means well…it’s just that some days, i’m better equipped to be social than others…and some days, i’m not inclined to be social at all. to anybody.

i don’t know that today is necessarily one of those days – but i do have a low, low tolerance for chitchat today.

and it hasn’t even slowed down today….

i’m starting to think that perhaps she’s one of those people for whom the actual act of having a conversation is secondary to just talking…talking, nonstop, oblivious to whether or not she’s being heard, or whether whomever she harbors the delusion of talking to is even listening to her. she’ll sit there at her desk and blather on indefinitely without any real sense of whether i’m paying attention or not – and the only logical deduction i can draw from that is that she doesn’t give a fuck whether i’m listening or not, as long as she’s able to talk…and here i sit in the midst of the small-talk cyclone, clinging to my composure like bill paxton and helen hunt in twister – strapped to a pipe with my legs parallel to the ground from the force of the wind.

i got home last night from a double bill of nik everett rehearsal and a frenetic trip back to leesport to finish end of day data processing before midnight to find wendy awake, working on a library project…she and i ended up staying up until 3 am this morning, talking about some recent frustrations and weighing a commitment to keep certain things inside the house until such time as the moving vans have come and gone (among other things). it didn’t feel like a three hour conversation at all, though – it was actually refreshing. she and i rarely have those kinds of conversations…the kind that we both contribute to. wendy could be compared to my officemate in a sense – although that wouldn’t be a fair comparison in most ways. there are times when wendy’s a simplex circuit – she only works in one direction at a time. she can send, and she can receive, but she doesn’t react well to attempts to coax her into sending and receiving at the same time. this is something i’ve mentioned to her before, and i know she’s cognizant of it, but i don’t think that she’s aware she’s doing it when she’s doing it…but if you bring it up after the fact, she tends to concede that she does it. it’s just part of the DNA that makes up who she is. but last night was devoid of the usual tension that exists when it’s necessary to navigate certain waters…it’s something that i honestly wish we’d done more of.

it ended on a good note, though, overall…

i think i’m starting to get waaaay too much perspective on what it must be like to be premenstrual – one minute i want to apologize for being an ass and tell her how much i love her, and then before i even finish the thought i want to put her stuff in storage and get her a hotel until she makes settlement just to get her out of the house so i can put this behind me.

and back.

and forth.

and so on.

it’s really quite maddening…and likely a good chunk of the reason people choose not to end relationships in the manner that we’ve tried to end this one.

it takes a lot outta ya.

if you trip between the days
if you fall between the lines
and you’re paying no attention
to the warning signs

too much static in the air
too much sugar in my mouth
and every single possibility
all worked out

we are only satellites
we are only satellites
we just spin around
and wait for the night to roll in
wait for the night to roll in
wait for the night to roll in…

…’cause that’s the only time we shine

shane nicholson, “satellite song”

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