now playing: dan fogelberg, “since you’ve asked”
i don’t even know where to begin…to try and sum up this week.
it’s all but over now, although this huge project that i have due on monday morning will easily drag the week well into, and past, the weekend. i had a visit from our CEO this afternoon regarding an unrelated matter, and i told him what i was in the middle of…”i’m starting to have dreams about it,” i told him.
i don’t think my relationship with my daughter has recovered from the events surrounding her losing her cellphone, and some of the things i said to her on sunday night after we dropped her boyfriend off at his house during the first ten minutes of the fourth quarter of the super bowl. i think we will, eventually, get past this, and i do have a lot of faith in jayda…i think that some of the fears that i have about her immediate path are probably unfounded, but the voices in my head definitely know how devil’s advocate works.
last night was parent-teacher conference night for dylan…which is an abbreviated way of saying that it’s time once again to take away all of dylan’s shit. last night i referred to it as the “walk of shame” when we were leaving mrs. morrisey’s classroom to head down to the conference.
the fact is, dylan’s grades are not horrible. they could definitely be worse, and they’d be what he deserved if he were, in fact, an average or below average student. and maybe he is an average or below average student…but the evidence points in other directions. for instance, the thing that kept him from excelling in a couple of his classes was simply not bringing home tests to be signed. i said to mr. ward (his science teacher) that this wasn’t homework…it was a “to do” list. there’s no real work involved in getting someone else to sign a paper, but apparently where dylan is concerned, this is just too great a burden to bear.
and the thing is, it’s not as though the tests he has to bring in for signatures have awful grades on them…his test scores are actually quite good. so why, one would ask, is this such a huge mental block for him?
i sure as hell wish i knew.
but, also, it’s not just that…there are tests he’s neglected to make up, he hadn’t turned in his vocabulary notebook to his english teacher…and when he’s out, as he was a couple of times this year for extended periods of time, he can’t be bothered to take the intiative to find out what he has to make up to get caught up with the rest of his class.
it seems to boil down to a potentially fatal mixture of laziness and apathy. the kind that finds you working as head fry cook at thirty-five and sharing a two bedroom apartment with three other people.
i know he’s capable of more than that. and i think that eventually, if something touches that tiny spot in his head and trips off that lever that i believe to be in there, then he’ll find his passion and perhaps some motivation will come hand in hand with that. but, the thing is, being smart never outweighs being lazy…so he has to overcome that in order for his brain to serve him well at all.
tonight (should i ever be able to fall asleep) will be spent on the sofa at my ex-girlfriend samantha’s house. shanna kicked my ass at mario-kart earlier tonight…then we watched a movie and she went to bed. right now it’s almost 1:30 in the morning, and i’m sitting in the dark on the sofa with my laptop fired up, writing because i can’t fall asleep, even though i should be damn near dead right now. tomorrow night, i’ve been asked to sit in with a friends’ band for a gig in fleetwood, and i’ll probably spend tomorrow night at his house, and i haven’t even thought about sunday yet – todd offered the sofa for sunday, but i honestly don’t know how sunday is going to pan out yet…for all i know at this point, i may work straight through sunday night into monday morning if this project at work continues to go the way it has…although there should be no interruptions at work this weekend…no one calling because they can’t retrieve their email, no one calling because their print jobs are locked up, none of that crap.
i’ll get it finished…because i have no other choice, really.
i still don’t know how i feel about the fact that i couldn’t have been able to tell the difference from last night at my house and any other night at my house…expectations sure can fuck things up if you give them room to. i really thought, based on how well things have gone between wendy and i literally from the moment that we had “the talk”, that this might not have been the case. certainly, i don’t hold out any hope for reconciliation at this point, because the wheels are in motion and there’s really no stopping them at this point, no matter what i might think.
and i think that, in a way, what happened last night was supposed to be a signpost…fate’s way of saying, “this is why this is happening. this is why this has come to this point in the first place. don’t forget the things that made you unhappy in this relationship in the first place.”
and that’s all valid, really. i married someone who literally lacks the ability to turn off the TV until she’s completely drained of energy and ready to fall asleep within minutes. and i need to respect the way that (among other things) has affected my ability to be compassionate towards her, the way it’s contributed to my resentment and anger over these past few years.
the fact is, this is who she is. and i need to accept that and allow for it and not be so personally arrogant as to think that because she’s with me, certain fundamental things about her are going to change.
life doesn’t work that way. no more for me than it has for her in her expectations that certain things about me might be changed.
and i think that last night, as she sat mesmerized by the television as the last hours of the evening frittered away, life was telling me something.
it was saying, “don’t be a chump, tom. this is reality. the lengths that you two have gone to to be more compassionate and more attentive and more loving over these past two weeks – that’s the fantasy. that’s you and her playing out what you thought you were getting. so, here, tom. take a good look, because this is what you’re giving up. now listen to me and take all this in before you do something stupid like spend sixty-five bucks to have roses delivered to the library on valentines’ day with that corny-assed card that you thought up last week. put it out of your mind, and focus on the task at hand.”
“….just let it go, man. let it go.”
so this morning i got up early, got ready for work, and grabbed my laptop, my cell phone, my camera, and a basket full of clothes, and left for work knowing that i wouldn’t be home for a minimum of a week….and possibly more, from what i understand.
and i know somehow…i don’t know how or why i know this, but i just know…that when i go back – when the work at hand is done and the parents have done this business and headed back south temporarily until such time as they return to help her move – things will be different.
again, i don’t know how i know…i just know.
this whole sense of resolving to enjoy each other that we’ve had for the past couple of weeks is going to fade into the shadows of the tasks at hand, and things are going to take on a whole new light. maybe it’ll be subtle, maybe it’ll be night and day…but i think that when i left the house this morning, it was the end of a very short era.
it’s hot in here. it’s going to be interesting trying to sleep, but i feel like i have to try, or the weekend is gonna suck more than it potentially could.