lethal emotional cocktail

 

 

now playing: michael mcdonald, “i can let go now”

 

i still remember seeing him play this song on saturday night live years ago, by himself…him on the piano.

chills.

first of all, birthday wishes to the Telecommunications Act of 1996 – on this day in that year, Bill Clinton signed the legislation that has become famous for allowing companies like Fox and Clear Channel Communications to swallow our media whole during a ceremony at the library of congress.

nine years later, i still have no fucking idea what he was thinking.

definitely the second worst move of his presidency.

(and no, monica doesn’t get top honors…nafta does.)

so, i’m sitting here stewing, still pissed about the jayda cellphone situation, still stewing a little bit from the conversation she and i had on the way home on sunday night, giving way too much space to the voice that’s telling me what a shitty parent i’ve been, and how i haven’t taught my kids some of what i think should be their core values…

i talked to my daughter a few minutes ago – recapped what exactly it was that happened yesterday, told her that i had called the school to see if anyone had turned it in, so on and so forth…and the subject of “what to do” came up. she immediately went to “my birthday is in a month” and i cut her off and told her that the only way the phone was being restored to its original standing was if she paid to replace it with her own money. not birthday money, or any other money that originated from my wallet.her money.

you might imagine that this did not go over well.

in fact, it went over “not well” enough that she’s not coming over tonight (tuesdays and thursdays are usually my nights, for the uninitiated….).

so…i guess it could be said that i’ve definitely raised a pair of entitled kids.

hell, i’m not even sure how it is that i came to this point….but here i am.

and i’m heapin’ all that on top of everything else that’s going on right now.

makes for a pretty lethal emotional cocktail, to be sure.

i’m no good (and never have been, frankly) at self-diffusion. i don’t have any sort of self-repair functionality. i usually have to just sit with whatever is kicking my ass and feel whatever it is that i’m feeling until i’ve thought it through and am ready to move past it.

i’m three days and counting until i take my short vacation from living at home so that wendy and company can have whatever time they need to get a bead on a place forher to live…so that the two of us can put ourselves in places where we can no longer be a disappointment to one another. i’ve gotten generous offers of sofas from a couple of friends, and the plan (as it stands right now) is to spread myself out enough that no one person gets sick of havin’ me around…as i have no idea how long this is going to take.

i haven’t worn my wedding band now for almost three weeks, and there’s still a small indent in my finger where it used to be. i keep finding myself running my thumb over the place where it used to be, mimicking the motion i used to make when i’d spin it ’round my finger during idle moments.

use number 37 for wedding band: fidgeting accessory.

while she’s doing her best to pretend everything is no different than it was before, i keep flying back and forth across the room in my head, bouncing from the “i wish her and all evidence of her were gone already so i didn’t have to feel this” wall over to the “i can’t believe this is gonna be over soon” wall. and every time i land against the opposing surface, it seems like there’s a new bruise that i didn’t have before.

i just wanna go home and pile under the covers and shut the rest of the world off for the night. i don’t feel like listening to any shit from anyone in particular. in fact, i don’t even want to look at another human being right now.

i’ve had quite enough today.

as an aside, i’m considering making this a private journal – since the contents have very little to do with music or with my personal “career” as a musician. and, since it’s tied to a site which promotes this specific mission, i’m wondering if i might be mixing oil and water by including this as part of that site…whether it be politics or personal content, i’ve always struggled with the possibility (nay, the probability) that my journal is probably out of place on my site.

i guess i’m bringing this up because i’m curious as to what the few of you who read this on a regular basis think about that particular logic – am i being ridiculous, or should i hide this from the rest of the site?

i dunno…i’ve never been uncomfortable having it up and available – perhaps those who find themselves unwitting characters in my story might very well find it awkward, and they certainly have that right…no one has ever asked me specifically to exclude them from any given event, so i haven’t. this has been the one place that i can go and throw whatever i want against the wall – whether it sticks or not. so, i don’t plan to close the journal…just perhaps “un-link” it from my site and replace it with something more music-centric for the purposes of the site.

i’ve never felt the need to do that before, but i’m finding that it might be necessary at this point.

of course, tomorrow is another day and i may decide that i’m full of shit and just leave it where it is.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s