now playing: willy porter, “infinity”


i guess that for a time it’s going to be somewhat awkward to try and talk about much of anything else here, having spilled my guts…but life hasn’t stopped dead in its tracks, and there are other things going on – although i’d say it’s a fair bet that my attention span is narrowed somewhat…

i actually went to look at new cars this past weekend. after having my own means of transportation frozen in space and time for about two weeks now, i took a reference from mary ann and went to a dealer in lancaster that had given her a good deal, and felt confident that they would do the same for me…but i’m thinking that i should’ve probably known better.

in fact, i never got excited about the prospect the way i would’ve if i’d been confident that we were going to be able to work something out. even as i was making my initial plans to go with samantha to the dealer, she was much more excited for me than i was for myself. my intuition doesn’t often fail me. i know when i walk out of interviews, for instance, whether or not i’ll get the job. i’ve been right every time. scary, i know, but i’ve been right every time. and i knew before i left on saturday afternoon that i’d be coming home in the same vehicle i went in.

the thing that killed the deal was knowing what kind of deal mary ann had gotten…she had about $3K left on her existing loan, and they had to factor the payoff for that in…she had $1250 available in cash for a down payment, and her payments were around $400 a month.

now, for the same vehicle, with $1500 down and no loan to pay off, they wanted to tell me that my payments would be more than hers?

sorry, but fuck off. i’ll get a few more miles out of my hippie van first. i’m desperate, but not that desperate.

i feel as though all i did this past weekend was sleep…and that wouldn’t be entirely untrue, either. i think i might’ve finally given up all my past lofty expectations, with regard to what i’d like to think i’m capable of accomplishing during the two days that i’m not tied to this desk…with winter firmly in place, it just seems somewhat ridiculous to try and convince myself of how much i can do when history and habit have continued to make a liar of me over and over again when i make plans for the weekend.

i think that, all total, i was awake this weekend for a grand total of roughly sixteen to seventeen hours, from saturday morning to sunday night…that includes my typical late-sunday-night bout of insomnia, brought about by sleeping all weekend. even with full awareness that i can only really do eight or nine hours in the current bed without excruciating back pain, i slept until almost three in the afternoon yesterday. wendy had to come up and bribe me out of bed, and i don’t even remember the bribe being so effective as the guilt from lying there and listening to the phone ring incessantly (really – incessantly) all morning long. knowing the situation with jill’s family, i finally wrestled myself out of bed and into the shower…

…and today i have zero energy.

i think that’s a combination of shitty sleeping habits and emotional fatigue, but analysis be damned…i am what i am at the moment. tired.

i still have to go home and call AAA to arrange a tow truck for the van, so that it makes it into the shop tomorrow morning – no matter what happens with the pursuit of a newer, more reliable ride, i have to get the van fixed. it can’t sit on the curb indefinitely, and if i’m buying something else, then it goes on the block. time to let it pay back a fraction of what i’ve spent on it over the past two years.

anyway, enough ruminating on mundane tasks that lie ahead of me in the almost immediate future…i suppose it’s easier to dwell on insignificant things when so much is on the verge of changing – but it doesn’t make for very good conversation.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s