now playing: shawn colvin, “dead of the night”
i wonder at the wisdom of posting things that are deeply personal here on this page…it is, after all, attached to a website that is largely for professional use, although there is a great deal of personal stuff here as well (pictures and this journal among them).
with that in mind, i’m not sure exactly how much i want to say here about what’s transpiring in my life as my most recent relationship is headed into the sunset….i’m certainly not going to go completely off the deep end, and i’m not going to insult the folks who stop by here on a regular basis who know what’s happening by pretending that nothing’s going on.
i think that tact and civility lie somewhere betwixt those two approaches.
wendy and i are splitting up. it’s a mutual decision — so mutual, in fact, that it turns out that both of us were setting the wheels in motion to an extent before we had “the talk”. we’ve both been pretty unhappy with where our lives are right now, and neither of us have dealt with it very well…she dealt with it by withdrawing from the family unit and existing on her own island within the house, and i dealt with it by tuning her out and focusing on what i had to do to get myself and two kids through the trials and tribulations of our own existences. while we’ve stumbled achingly close to the ledge that so many couples go over, i think we’ve come to this point in time to do this differently than most…and from a purely logical standpoint, i’m glad we’re acting on it sooner than later.
it’s more complicated than that, but i think that about sums it up…she has her side to the story, and i have mine, and (unlike so many other similar situations where such tales are told), they seem to mesh, for the most part…i think we both know exactly what we’ve been guilty of, what we did wrong, what we could’ve done differently – although in my case, i don’t know if i’m even capable of doing this any differently than i have. the fact is, i don’t know if my life is structured in such a way that really even allows for this. i don’t know if, between working the hours that i do and everything else that goes on in my life, if it’s anything less than pointless and delusional to think that someone else should settle for what i’m capable of contributing to a relationship right now.
truth be told, she and i went on “auto pilot” a long time ago…when you put all else aside and expend your energy on resentment (and behave as such), you’re essentially making an investment in failure – and now, we’re reaping the rewards of our investment.
to answer the obvious question, yes – i think it is too late to try and reverse the course we’re on. i think that, when you peel back all the very similar layers at the top, there are some pretty fundamental differences beneath the surface in what we’re about…what we want, what we expect, how we operate…different enough that the fact that we both love the same kinds of music and appreciate a lot of the same things and know each other so well isn’t enough to compensate for the things that lie further down that have brought us to where we are.
the good news is that there hasn’t been any pivotal disastrous event that has brought us to this…and that while there’s been a lot of sadness and anger, i think we got around to this in time to do this in what i think is the right way – neither of us hate the other, nor do we wish to punish the other for not being different enough to have met whatever expectations we might’ve constructed to make the other “acceptable”.
the fact is, i love her. i wouldn’t have married her if i didn’t. and i still love her.
…but i also can’t deny the reasons why this is necessary…why our parting ways is unavoidable.
i won’t start down that road here – it’s relevant, but it’s not really important. not anymore.
as we’ve talked about this during the course of the week, we’ve both committed to doing our best to enjoy the short time we have left – between now and when the movers pull up in front of the house (she’s going, i’m staying – i love this house too much to give it up, and i think she wants a fresh start under a new roof). i don’t know how long that’s going to be, or how capable of this i am, but if it’s possible, i would much rather avoid going out under a cloud if we can toss aside our differences and try to stay connected for this short time to what drew us together in the first place.
this weekend, we’ve tried to do that…i’ve had to stay close to home because of my kids’ grandfathers’ illness, and i’ve spoken with or seen them multiple times each day since he took ill…but i cancelled plans to have my friend samantha go with me to lancaster this weekend to go car shopping because their mom had asked if dylan could come to the house for the afternoon/evening, and wendy offered to go instead, so we went…we came home and rented movies and stayed in most of the weekend – save for a charmed trip to cracker barrel for dinner sunday night (parked right in front of the door, got a table right next to a roaring open fire), we stayed in, ignored the phone (sorry, if that included you – hopefully you’ll understand), and watched movies.
the last of the batch was “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”.
towards the end of the movie, as jim carrey’s character is running through the chasms of his own memory with kate winslet’s character in tow, trying to escape from the forces that are working to erase her from his mind, they find their way back to the moment that they met – indicating that almost everything has been erased at this point, with the procedure working from most recent to earliest…
i don’t remember the exact exchange, but at one point, they’re lying on the beach next to each other, and she looks at him and says, “i’m almost gone now”…and he replies, “what do we do?”
she looks over at him, smiles, and says, “enjoy it.”
wish me luck.