Posted in yesterday. today. tomorrow.

mundane

 

 

now playing: willy porter, “infinity”

 

i guess that for a time it’s going to be somewhat awkward to try and talk about much of anything else here, having spilled my guts…but life hasn’t stopped dead in its tracks, and there are other things going on – although i’d say it’s a fair bet that my attention span is narrowed somewhat…

i actually went to look at new cars this past weekend. after having my own means of transportation frozen in space and time for about two weeks now, i took a reference from mary ann and went to a dealer in lancaster that had given her a good deal, and felt confident that they would do the same for me…but i’m thinking that i should’ve probably known better.

in fact, i never got excited about the prospect the way i would’ve if i’d been confident that we were going to be able to work something out. even as i was making my initial plans to go with samantha to the dealer, she was much more excited for me than i was for myself. my intuition doesn’t often fail me. i know when i walk out of interviews, for instance, whether or not i’ll get the job. i’ve been right every time. scary, i know, but i’ve been right every time. and i knew before i left on saturday afternoon that i’d be coming home in the same vehicle i went in.

the thing that killed the deal was knowing what kind of deal mary ann had gotten…she had about $3K left on her existing loan, and they had to factor the payoff for that in…she had $1250 available in cash for a down payment, and her payments were around $400 a month.

now, for the same vehicle, with $1500 down and no loan to pay off, they wanted to tell me that my payments would be more than hers?

sorry, but fuck off. i’ll get a few more miles out of my hippie van first. i’m desperate, but not that desperate.

i feel as though all i did this past weekend was sleep…and that wouldn’t be entirely untrue, either. i think i might’ve finally given up all my past lofty expectations, with regard to what i’d like to think i’m capable of accomplishing during the two days that i’m not tied to this desk…with winter firmly in place, it just seems somewhat ridiculous to try and convince myself of how much i can do when history and habit have continued to make a liar of me over and over again when i make plans for the weekend.

i think that, all total, i was awake this weekend for a grand total of roughly sixteen to seventeen hours, from saturday morning to sunday night…that includes my typical late-sunday-night bout of insomnia, brought about by sleeping all weekend. even with full awareness that i can only really do eight or nine hours in the current bed without excruciating back pain, i slept until almost three in the afternoon yesterday. wendy had to come up and bribe me out of bed, and i don’t even remember the bribe being so effective as the guilt from lying there and listening to the phone ring incessantly (really – incessantly) all morning long. knowing the situation with jill’s family, i finally wrestled myself out of bed and into the shower…

…and today i have zero energy.

i think that’s a combination of shitty sleeping habits and emotional fatigue, but analysis be damned…i am what i am at the moment. tired.

i still have to go home and call AAA to arrange a tow truck for the van, so that it makes it into the shop tomorrow morning – no matter what happens with the pursuit of a newer, more reliable ride, i have to get the van fixed. it can’t sit on the curb indefinitely, and if i’m buying something else, then it goes on the block. time to let it pay back a fraction of what i’ve spent on it over the past two years.

anyway, enough ruminating on mundane tasks that lie ahead of me in the almost immediate future…i suppose it’s easier to dwell on insignificant things when so much is on the verge of changing – but it doesn’t make for very good conversation.

Posted in yesterday. today. tomorrow.

almost gone now

 

 

now playing: shawn colvin, “dead of the night”

 

i wonder at the wisdom of posting things that are deeply personal here on this page…it is, after all, attached to a website that is largely for professional use, although there is a great deal of personal stuff here as well (pictures and this journal among them).

with that in mind, i’m not sure exactly how much i want to say here about what’s transpiring in my life as my most recent relationship is headed into the sunset….i’m certainly not going to go completely off the deep end, and i’m not going to insult the folks who stop by here on a regular basis who know what’s happening by pretending that nothing’s going on.

i think that tact and civility lie somewhere betwixt those two approaches.

wendy and i are splitting up. it’s a mutual decision — so mutual, in fact, that it turns out that both of us were setting the wheels in motion to an extent before we had “the talk”. we’ve both been pretty unhappy with where our lives are right now, and neither of us have dealt with it very well…she dealt with it by withdrawing from the family unit and existing on her own island within the house, and i dealt with it by tuning her out and focusing on what i had to do to get myself and two kids through the trials and tribulations of our own existences. while we’ve stumbled achingly close to the ledge that so many couples go over, i think we’ve come to this point in time to do this differently than most…and from a purely logical standpoint, i’m glad we’re acting on it sooner than later.

it’s more complicated than that, but i think that about sums it up…she has her side to the story, and i have mine, and (unlike so many other similar situations where such tales are told), they seem to mesh, for the most part…i think we both know exactly what we’ve been guilty of, what we did wrong, what we could’ve done differently – although in my case, i don’t know if i’m even capable of doing this any differently than i have. the fact is, i don’t know if my life is structured in such a way that really even allows for this. i don’t know if, between working the hours that i do and everything else that goes on in my life, if it’s anything less than pointless and delusional to think that someone else should settle for what i’m capable of contributing to a relationship right now.

truth be told, she and i went on “auto pilot” a long time ago…when you put all else aside and expend your energy on resentment (and behave as such), you’re essentially making an investment in failure – and now, we’re reaping the rewards of our investment.

to answer the obvious question, yes – i think it is too late to try and reverse the course we’re on. i think that, when you peel back all the very similar layers at the top, there are some pretty fundamental differences beneath the surface in what we’re about…what we want, what we expect, how we operate…different enough that the fact that we both love the same kinds of music and appreciate a lot of the same things and know each other so well isn’t enough to compensate for the things that lie further down that have brought us to where we are.

the good news is that there hasn’t been any pivotal disastrous event that has brought us to this…and that while there’s been a lot of sadness and anger, i think we got around to this in time to do this in what i think is the right way – neither of us hate the other, nor do we wish to punish the other for not being different enough to have met whatever expectations we might’ve constructed to make the other “acceptable”.

the fact is, i love her. i wouldn’t have married her if i didn’t. and i still love her.

…but i also can’t deny the reasons why this is necessary…why our parting ways is unavoidable.

i won’t start down that road here – it’s relevant, but it’s not really important. not anymore.

as we’ve talked about this during the course of the week, we’ve both committed to doing our best to enjoy the short time we have left – between now and when the movers pull up in front of the house (she’s going, i’m staying – i love this house too much to give it up, and i think she wants a fresh start under a new roof). i don’t know how long that’s going to be, or how capable of this i am, but if it’s possible, i would much rather avoid going out under a cloud if we can toss aside our differences and try to stay connected for this short time to what drew us together in the first place.

this weekend, we’ve tried to do that…i’ve had to stay close to home because of my kids’ grandfathers’ illness, and i’ve spoken with or seen them multiple times each day since he took ill…but i cancelled plans to have my friend samantha go with me to lancaster this weekend to go car shopping because their mom had asked if dylan could come to the house for the afternoon/evening, and wendy offered to go instead, so we went…we came home and rented movies and stayed in most of the weekend – save for a charmed trip to cracker barrel for dinner sunday night (parked right in front of the door, got a table right next to a roaring open fire), we stayed in, ignored the phone (sorry, if that included you – hopefully you’ll understand), and watched movies.

the last of the batch was “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”.

towards the end of the movie, as jim carrey’s character is running through the chasms of his own memory with kate winslet’s character in tow, trying to escape from the forces that are working to erase her from his mind, they find their way back to the moment that they met – indicating that almost everything has been erased at this point, with the procedure working from most recent to earliest…

i don’t remember the exact exchange, but at one point, they’re lying on the beach next to each other, and she looks at him and says, “i’m almost gone now”…and he replies, “what do we do?”

she looks over at him, smiles, and says, “enjoy it.”

wish me luck.

Posted in yesterday. today. tomorrow.

the chairman recognizes the vague synopsis committee…

 

 

now playing: eastmountainsouth, “on your way”

 

i may or may not have mentioned this before in this space…my tendencies towards how i communicate when something big is going on. usually, it involves extremes – i’m either overly vocal about what’s on my mind or i say little or nothing at all about it while i process what’s going on.

something big is going on.

and right now, this song that i’ve been listening to on repeat for about half an hour seems to say what’s bouncing about in my head better than i can….


i hope he never hurts you
like i know i hurt you
but i was undecided
and it was all that i could do

but if he says he loves you
like i know i loved you
then there’s a way to trust him
and i’ll get over you

so let his heart surround you
and let his arms protect you
and hold you every morning
the way that i could never do
another life has blessed you
he wants the same as you do
so i must find the courage
to send you on your way

all the nights reflecting in our chance connecting
help me find the meaning in the life i had with you
i wish i’d heard when you said that your heart could not wait
but it was my decision to send you on your way….

i hope he loves you
like i loved you
i hope he knows you like i do
’cause if he loves you like i love you
then i can send you on your way…

i must find the courage
to send you on your way

to send you on your way….

this isn’t a time for pointing fingers, or bashing anyone, or dwelling on the million little things that have brought us to this place.

this feels more like a time for introspection, and giving some thought to where my actual place in this world lies, i think.

and that’s really about all i feel like saying right now.

i know that i’ve been rather silent in this space lately, and there’s certainly the possibility that i’ll be somewhat silent in this space for the short term…i don’t really process this kind of thing normally, i don’t think.

but i gotta do it in my own way….in my own time.

Posted in yesterday. today. tomorrow.

i write what the drummers in my head tell me to

 

 

now playing: jimmie spheeris, “somewhere there’s a river”

 

the pounding in my head has, over the course of the last few hours, finally started to subside – well over twenty four hours after starting. i don’t have anything convienent to blame it on – and i’m not typically someone whos’ beset by such things. certainly, not to the extent that i’d miss work for it…especially when i know what it’ll cost me to miss work between now and april (my anniversary date, at which point my personal days are replenished)…and now’s not a good time to be frittering away income opportunities…not in the face of some of the changes that are about to take place in my life.

i just got off the phone with pete errich (of the band shame) a few minutes ago…he had called to ask about a DVD burning project i’d committed to some time back which, naturally, i haven’t finished yet. we also took advantage of the opportunity to mutually “rant”…

pete is a teacher at governor mifflin high school, and he’s in the interesting position of being a “long term substitute” – which is to say he’s not a member of the union, but he’s allowed the benefit of showing up for work every day and fulfilling all the duties and responsibilities of an “actual” teacher…and i think he must like it. if he didn’t like it, he wouldn’t be so passionate about it.

anyway, we talked for a while about what teachers are up against now, and the general mentality of the kids he comes face to face with…and i’m not sure how they do it. i mean, i used to want to be a teacher when i was in high school – but i wanted to be a cool teacher. you know the one i’m talking about. i wanted to be mr. vernon, my civics teacher…or mr. belvin, who taught psychology in high school…one of thoseteachers. i thought at the time that anything i could do to displace a mrs. o’neal from american history or mr. rickman from study hall would be my contribution to furthering the human race in some form or fashion.

looking back, i think that it was about my desire to have that kind of charisma – i wanted to be able to relate to other people as easily as it appeared that they did…and they made it look easy. they got up in front of a room full of hormonal teenagers and they made their subjects interesting, even though i couldn’t have been less interested in what they were teaching at the time. odd, now that i find both psychology and government fascinating. guess it could be related somehow.

pete said, though, that there are teachers who show up for work in sweatpants because there’s no actual dress code in their contract…which he found offensive because he takes pride in his job and considers himself a professional. i wonder what kind of teacher shows up in front of his class in sweatpants? i just can’t imagine that. what the fuck, really? no one says anything?

i guess it’s indicative, in some ways, of the entitlement society that we’ve created. ironically, from pete’s perspective, he gets to see it from both ends of the generation gap – he gets to see the kids who feel the system owes them a break bitch and complain about how the system is out to get them…and he gets to see the bitter, pathetic fifty-somethings who show up for school in their sweatpants because they don’t feel that they owe it to the system to present an image that deserves respect…or that their job owes it to them to allow them to wear the same clothes they rake leaves in, i dunno.

as an aside, i have to say that i don’t think i’ve ever heard anyone who’s covered wild horses who hasn’t done a better job of the song than the rolling stones did. this is a case where the original version of the song is hands-down the worst.

so far.

(had to throw that in there, before the fuckin’ black eyed peas or someone got their hands on it….)

i’ve been mentally preparing myself for the worst, where the kids’ grandfather is concerned…his health has been deteriorating for a while now, and his kidneys have failed over the weekend. jill is keeping a surprisingly stiff upper lip, when you consider how huge this would be if he weren’t to make it. i feel bad for her, and for the kids…i haven’t had any contact with him for the past eight years (since jill and i parted under less-than-ideal circumstances), and he hasn’t spoken to me since. everyone else in the family has mended fences with me, but not him. in fact, the last words i recall hearing him speak were when he told his dog to “bite his fuckin’ leg off” when i came to the door at jills’ house to pick up the kids.

those who marvel at my ability to hold a grudge – i’m “not even the makin’s of a pimple on his ass” (to quote the fictitious willie brown character in walter hill’scrossroads). he’s the king.

and i have to say, it’ll be one of my regrets that the opportunity never presented itself for us to mend our relationship. we used to be buddies. we’d go to mountain springs bluegrass festival together and we’d roam the parking lots, with our guitars in hand and jump into little impromptu jam sessions that happened all through the campground area…holidays back then always involved instruments coming out of cases and we’d play around the kitchen table at jill’s parents’ house. (this was before holidays became an olympic-scale event in mutual humiliation and sarcasm. again, i learned at the feet of the best.)

in those days, there was definitely a different vibe surrounding the family than there was in later years, as i was searching for a seam in the fabric to slip through…it turned pretty ugly over time, and it got to the point where i’d avoid family functions as much as i could…family reunions, holidays – if i could come up with an excuse for staying away, i did…because it got to a point where if someone didn’t leave in a flurry of tears, someone would ultimately feel as though they hadn’t done their best.

still, hindsight can do a lot to erase the bad and leave only the good, and that’s what i hold on to.

i sincerely hope the old boy pulls through…even if he would prefer to see me as a chew toy for his hyperactive winross dog.

two things i have to finish for jayda tomorrow – i have to finalize the remix of alicia keys’ song karma for her to use in the talent show, and i have to help her finish her science fair project.

and i think that maybe i should probably take a shower and put on some clean clothes and hope that maybe fifteen minutes’ worth of hot water on the back of my ailing skull might help the throbbing to subside.

hell, where would we be without wishful thinking, anyway?

Posted in rants - political and otherwise

before bedtime…

a couple of things, before bedtime…

first, more creepy coincidental words from rob brezny:

” Bibliophile Anne N. Marino loves the “welcoming mysteriousness” of those buildings where large collections of books are housed for public use. “Walking into a library,” she wrote in the San Francisco Chronicle, “I’m filled with a sense of belonging; my mind becomes clear, my heart rate slows; I can think.”

Your assignment in the coming week, Leo, is to identify the places that make you feel like that, and then spend as much time as possible inside of them.”

i think that, were there a rule book for life as we tend to live it, that towards the front of the book should be written the following:

your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to be an individual alive within the world you’re born into. should you choose this path, you will have to accept several inalienable truths…chief among them is that the world doesn’t owe you a day off, and the world typically doesn’t care if you’re having a bad day. the world will give you no quarter should you choose to withdraw from it to nurse your wounds, and it will still be moving at its own pace when you decide to re-embrace your membership in it. you have the gift of free will, and may choose to live within the world or within yourself…should you choose the latter, you will be best served by remembering always that you are but part of the whole. abandon all thoughts of the world playing the game on your terms, for the game isn’t played that way.

Posted in yesterday. today. tomorrow.

downtime

 

 

now playing: marshall crenshaw, “our town”

 

so we finally got our first real snowfall last night…it wasn’t much by comparison to what the doomsayers are predicting for this weekend, but maybe a couple of inches. enough, certainly, to accumulate on the streets and the sidewalks and such.

(side note: i made a bet with a co-worker yesterday – my paycheck to a soda from the vending machine – that i’d end up shovelling the sidewalk when i got home from work last night, even though it wouldn’t be until almost eleven o’clock…and the 20 ounce bottle that’s sitting next to my monitor is standing testament to the fact that familiarity with ones’ actions will trump faith in ones’ intentions every time. every time.)

the bus driver on the night route back into reading is a real card – he was running late last night, and when he finally got to the bus stop, i said to him that he was startin’ to worry me there for a minute….he said, “well, ya know…i had to sober up a little.”

as we were driving back into town, i thought for a minute about trying to take pictures out the window of the bus with my phone, but i knew beforehand that it’d be an exercise in futility – i do wish i’d had some way of capturing what the tree limbs looked like that were so close to the window as they flew by that i thought i could stick my hand out and touch them as they passed.

i did take some pictures during the walk home, but i haven’t loaded the phone software onto my computer at home yet…not that i’ve really sat down in front of it at all this week, but i’ll get to it eventually. it was so peaceful, these streets where there’s normally so much calamity – salsa music and hip-hop blaring from cars, people yelling from behind closed windows overlooking the street…last night, there was none of that. it was also nearly ten degrees warmer than the night before…maybe not a big difference at other points on the thermometer, but when you’re talking about the difference between eleven degrees and twenty-one, it’s actually pretty significant.

scarier still is that i’ve actually come to enjoy this routine. i can’t say that i’d want to do this all the time, but for this particular period, it’s almost comforting…it’s an extension, somewhat, of my short run of “downtime” after everyone else has left at work and i have that time to myself to do what i need to do…it’s my most productive period of the day, the hours between 5 and whenever i leave for home. i can work on projects uninterrupted by phone calls about missing documents or emails that never arrived or printers that won’t accomodate users, and i can do so without any real inference from the outside world.

same for the walk home – i’m alone with my thoughts. no manic seesawing back and forth from one awful tv show to the other…no reluctant participation in mindless, idle, trivial chatter…no telephone, no email…no staring at the infuriating piles of potluck miscellanea that litter the house – none o’that.

and i gotta say…i’m becoming rather fond of it.

Posted in yesterday. today. tomorrow.

it goes to ELEVEN

 

 

now playing: simon and garfunkel, “the only living boy in new york”

 

“i get all the news i need from the weather report….” – paul simon

when i walked onto the bus last night across the street from work, the driver asked me where i was going. “shillington”, i told him.

“man…i feel sorry for you”, he said.

i replied, “how bad could it be? i mean, you see these athletes on tv in the freezing cold with short sleeves…so i figure if i walk relatively quickly and keep moving, i should be fine, right?”

he chuckled…”well, you’d better sprint home, then.”

“well, given the choice of freezing to death or having a heart attack, i’ll flip a coin. i don’t see myself running all the way home to keep warm.”

the lady sitting behind me was offering up options – she seemed to have the bus schedule committed to memory – and the only solution she offered up was the one i was already aware of…to pick up the “nightline” bus and get off just on the other side of the bridge and walk from there…but i decided to go ahead and hoof it the whole way. i didn’t see the point in waiting for the nightline to come through, and i’d probably make better time if i just started walking right away.

i was very close to being right – i heard the nightline bus pull through the intersection not long after i’d walked past it. but then again, we’re only talking about saving eight blocks or so of my route, so i didn’t consider it much of a difference.

when i walked over the bingaman street bridge at around 9:15 or so, it was thirteen degrees, according to the rotating hot dog man that spins above berks packing.

i stopped in at queen city for dinner and to warm up a bit before moving on – my new favorite waitress was working and it was relatively quiet, so i was treated to the readers’ digest condensed version of her custody battle for her daughter, and how her father has played the system pretty masterfully to annoint her daughter a citizen of new jersey to keep her away from her mother – what a nightmare. i remember thinking two things as she was telling me her story – one being that hatred and spite can motivate people in pretty evil ways…and the other thought was that my divorce has gone better than some peoples’ marriages. i’ve never had to deal with anything like that, and i know it’s a lot more commonplace than i’d like to believe it is. certainly, there are things that i’d change if i could about my own co-parenting situation that “it could be worse” doesn’t explain away, but when you hear these kinds of stories from people like hope or rachel or any number of other people in similar situations, “it could be worse” goes a long way. i wondered, as i bundled up for the rest of the walk home, if i were even capable of some of the things i’d heard about in these kinds of stories…i mean, for all the turbulence that i went through with jill, i never hated her. she was frustrating and stubborn and maddeningly insistent that she remembered things that she was completely off base on and any number of other things, but i never hated her – i just wanted to get away from her. over time, i felt sorry that my kids didn’t feel that they had that option…and, truth be told, they didn’t. even if they decided to come live with me, she’d still have visitation, and it’s pretty clear that she’d use that time to unleash a guilt attack that no kid would be able to withstand if they ever did make such a decision.

example: my daughter says she has no desire to drive because she knows that if she got her license, her mom’s insurance would go through the roof, and that it’s not really an option. and that the only way out of that quandry would be to move in with me, and jayda doesn’t consider that an option, either.

now, what kid thinks that way about such things as car insurance of their own fruition? that came from somewhere other than jayda’s own (highly evolved as they may be) cognitive powers.

but – as i said, if that’s the worst i have to deal with (in terms of the parameters of my co-parenting situation), i’ll take it.

hope has made a pretty solid recovery from her initial deal of the cards – her husband has pointed her in the direction of some competent legal help, and she’s managed to regain a lot of lost ground. some women in her situation would have lost contact with their children entirely, so i count her as lucky.

after my third soda (which was a mistake, for reasons we’ll discuss later), i said goodnight and started walking again at a few minutes before ten.

it’s interesting, walking a route that you travel by car on a regular basis – you take in a lot more detail around you at the slower pace (an obvious enough point, i know), and you notice things that you wouldn’t stand a chance in hell of noticing as you drive by. for instance, there’s music coming from the service bay at a.w. golden twenty four hours a day. there was someone shouting in spanish at the top of their lungs inside a church on fifth street. a block up the street, there were three police cruisers with their lights on sitting at the corner.

i couldn’t help but wonder if the two observations might’ve been related somehow.

people put the most interesting things out for the trash man…like disassembled lime green end tables, for instance.

i wonder how those ever got in the front door in the first place.

anyway, i did find that (thankfully) a brisk walk definitely kept most of me from feeling the effects of the cold the way i had feared i might…when i walked past the drugstore adjacent to governor mifflin high school, it was eleven degrees – but the only place i really felt it was my face and ears. a couple of times, i had to cup my hands around my mouth and exhale to get some warm air on my cheeks – and i definitely checked to make sure that i didn’t have a case of “dumb-and-dumber nose”…that would not have been acceptable.

anyway, as i started getting closer to home, i discovered that those three sodas from queen city had run their course and were ready for the final stage of their journey, if you get my drift…but there was nowhere to deal with that between where i was and home, save ducking into someone’s yard, or something equally screwy, and i wasn’t havin’ none o’that. nope.

so i was treated to the effects of extreme cold on one’s kidneys under said circumstances – which would be an interesting series of random cramps in your lower abdomen and in your back at the appropriate spots. nothing excruciating or unbearable, but enough to let you know that certain parts of your body aren’t too happy with your decisions.

all that aside, though, i made it home in one, unfrostbitten piece, and none the worse for wear. i put a load of laundry in and changed clothes and called it a night.

i’m not sure how far the walk was, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as i had conjured it to be – certainly not bad enough to dissuade future walks home, anyway.

lest there be precipitation…then we’ll be calling a cab, thank you very much.