the introspection sauna

 

 

now playing: aunt pat, “weather”

 

from a recent email:

not a single political post since the election – you ok?

well, frankly, i feel like i’m wasting my breath. i think that most of those of you who stop by here share my opinions, and anything that i might write about from a political perspective probably only serves to affirm my stance on an issue where my thoughts were probably pretty predictable, at best…and i’m tired of venting. and the apathy is kickin’ in, big time.

so the dems wanna lie down on the porter goss confirmation? reap the benefits, motherfuckers. stand there and scratch your asses while he does the exact opposite of what he promised, in terms of his pledge to remain nonpartisan – and watch him clean house and sweep all those “disloyal” agents out the door, critics be damned.

cabinet members are resigning like rats on a sinking ship, and being replaced by people like gonzales (the guy who drafted the legal opinion that the geneva convention was “quaint” and “outdated”. i’d love to get some of the troops’ opinion on that one), and condi, sweet condi – got herself a big ol’ promotion.

i’m sick to death of hearing the democrats’ whining and hand-wringing over their “message”. i really am. it makes them look every bit as weak and pathetic as they’re perceived to be.

newsflash:

there’s nothing wrong with the sermon. there’s something seriously wrong with the congregation.

your message is being filtered in the heartland by homophobic skoal-dippin’ reality TV addicts who listen to country music blaring from the speakers in the back of their hemi-powered dodge ram with the NRA bumper sticker on it.

ignorance is bliss, and they’ve made it as clear as they know how that they don’t want you sissy, homo-lovin’ raghead sympathizers pissin’ in their cornflakes, thank you very much. so you should just move to iraq if you hate it so much here and get outta their faces. “fear factor” is on, and you’re drownin’ out the tv.

“angry? oh, heavens no…i certainly didn’t mean to give that impression…” – zell miller, to wolf blitzer

me? i offer no such apologies. i really don’t know how i feel about sharing my country with these assclowns.

and since we’re stuck with this asshole for the time being, i pretty much have to grin and bear it.

but that doesn’t mean i have to think about it every waking hour, like i did when i thought we had a very real chance of sending his ass packing.

so i choose to occupy my thoughts elsewhere. and life seems to be only too willing to cooperate, in terms of providing material.

————————————-

every so often in relationships, you find yourself having those talks – the one john cusack referred to as “one of those state-of-the-union type conversations”, where complaints and grievances are aired and cards are placed on the table, and decisions have to be made about your collective general direction…

i woke up in the middle of one of those conversations on sunday, and i’m still processing it days later (among many other things), trying to figure out exactly where i stand on things.

i think what it boils down to, for me, is that i have to make some decisions about what i want my life to look like and i need to communicate them to those around me who may or may not be part of that picture and act on it and move on. reading that back, it sounds pretty abrupt and final – i don’t know that this is the case, but i think it might have the potential to be.

somehow, i’ve gotten away with just being who i am for the better part of 35 years, without having to give huge amounts of thought to trying to change who that is. this is not to say that i haven’t spent some serious time in the Introspection Sauna in my day, for that’s certainly the case. but most of that has been examing my past and how it has manifested itself in who i’ve become…in identifying some faulty thinking on my part and working on changing that, at times. i’ve never put myself in the position of thinking, “ok, i need to become less of this and more of that and i need to add this trait to my resume and get rid of that one…”

i don’t know if i’m even capable of that. well, maybe i am, i don’t know…i’ve never been put in the position of having to find out. i mean, i’m no more capable of “becoming” certain things than i’m capable of becoming a middle-aged black woman simply because i decide that’s what i want to be.

i’ve gone through some changes, though, in the time since we committed to each other, and she’s most certainly done the same…not the kinds of things that typically temper affections in relationships, either…but certainly, i think she’s more than capable of making the case that what she got isn’t exactly what she bought…and i don’t blame her for being disillusioned about things.

i’m just tired, though. tired of thinking about it.

between the emotional energy i sank into this election, negotiating the breakup of my five year old band, dealing with raising two teenage children in concert with their mother in separate houses, my elevating disillusionment with my job, some soon-to-be diagnosed potential health issues, and walking into a house that resembles the old house more with every passing day, i’m finding that i’m tired of thinking about a lot of things.

i’m finding that it’s easier not to think about certain things, and there’s a danger in that.

on the road that i’m on, the assholetown exit isn’t that far ahead.

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