now playing: heatwave, “always and forever”
i’m going to avoid the insanely overused euphemisms that all add up to TGIF if possible, and just be thankful that this week is over.
i haven’t been on time for work once all week, and ended up not coming in yesterday at all…just walking into this building this week had resulted in the beginning of a knot in my stomach. combine this with the day-to-day status of my vehicle (which i need to hang in there in a big way right now) and the whole inertia of knowing that my belongings are scattered between two houses, one of which i’ll have hopefully vacated as of tomorrow…
and yeah, there’s the other stuff, too. the stuff that we’ve gone back to not really talking about, save for a conversation that happened out of earshot last night that i haven’t heard any details of…
i’m still not sure how much this is going to complicate things. i know that there’s a perception in the kids’ other parental environment that some lines have been drawn, and that they’ve formed some pretty solid conclusions that (i’m thinking) aren’t gonna be mended anytime soon…and this is just going to drive certain people further into their shells and further out of the way of active participation in the simple act of being a family at my house.
and i’m not in much of a position to do anything about it. i’m certainly not in a position to defend what happened here. in fact, i think i’m more irate about the fact that it happened than most of the maternal side of the kids’ family is – it happened under my roof, and that makes me somewhat responsible for the fact that it took place at all.
any way you look at it, a string of isolated incidents constitutes a pattern, and it’s not a pattern i plan on ignoring or trying to justify or explain away.
very simply put, either the behavior in question will cease or this particular element will have to be taken out of the equation.
personally, i’m tired of being angry about it, and i’m finding my faith in people in general being pretty severely tested. certainly, i know it’s possible for people to change…but i further know that old habits win these battles far more often than they lose them.
so after having talked about all this, it would seem that the unspoken resolution borne out of the relative silence that’s abounded in the time since is to wait and see what transpires in similar situations in the future…whether there’s reason to believe that effort is being made to bring a more tranquil face to the table in these situations, or if history will prove to be immovable in the face of whatever desire to change might actually exist.
some bold statements have been made, on my part, with regard some things that were taken for granted to have been happening at some point in the future that i’ve essentially taken completely off the table now…but since it’s not being discussed, i’m not really sure what effect that’s had. not as much as i thought it would have, i’m rather certain.
i feel like a baseball team playing down several runs late in the game – and knowing that i have good batters coming to the plate in the next inning, and the possibility of catching up and possibly taking this one back is very real…and yet i have one batter due to come to the plate that has a history of disappointment in clutch situations.
the game is winnable, but there’s a sinking feeling in my stomach that it’s gonna be a lot harder to pull it out than it needs to be.
jayda comes home from her first week away tonight.
i miss her terribly.
i know her brother does, too.
community days starts monday, though, and she’ll be with her mom tonight into tomorrow, which leaves tomorrow afternoon into tomorrow night to hang with her…and i have a gig.
she’s fourteen now, though, and my gut tells me that she’s gonna be making up for lost time with her social circle while she’s home.
and i can respect that. i do remember what it was like to be her age…although there’s no way in hell i’d want to be 14 in 2004.
so i’ll do my best to facilitate what will probably be an endless string of “take me here”s and “drop me off there”s while she’s back, and if i’m lucky, we’ll get an hour to take a long drive before she has to go back so i can catch up on how schools’ been.
before any of this happens, though, i have to finish up here and get out of this place.
minus the knot in my stomach.