symptomatic

now playing: zz top, “leila”

i wonder sometimes if it’s human nature for the brain to look backwards when what’s happening in the present becomes difficult to deal with, to consider, to think about…

it seems like it’s that way in my head. i think it’s odd that i’m only just now coming to that conclusion when i’ve been faced with instances of it (both in myself and other people) so often.

for instance, when i was in the navy, stationed in wales, i met my future sister-in-law and her soon-to-be husband, and the three of us were inseparable. you’d think that i’d feel like a third wheel in such a situation, but we all got along great, and we went everywhere together. i remember sitting in the middle of the back seat of her car, with my head poked between the front seats like the family pet when we’d go places…but i never felt (nor did they ever make me feel) like the odd man. we were a great team, and we had some pretty amazing adventures…some of which i may someday relay here, but i don’t bring this up because of any of that.

i met and married jodi’s sister jill, and we had two kickass kids before we divorced seven years later. but, what with being married to jodi’s sister and all, we were still in touch quite often. the threesome never translated into the foursome with the same ease and comfort it had maintained thousands of miles away in another time and place…it was just never the same.

and hell, i don’t think it was ever supposed to be. everything was different at that point. and if there’s one thing that i’ve learned in my 35 or so years on this planet, it’s that a moment is a moment, and you don’t recreate them at will…they happen and hopefully you appreciate them while they’re happening, and they’re gone. i think that a life is a very large collection of moments, if you will…and those moments breed friendships and cement (or destroy) relationships and create memories – and that’s what a life becomes, when you get right down to it. a large collection of moments. hopefully, you live a life that allows for an affinity for the present and anticipation of the future, while maintaining an appreciation of the past. otherwise, it becomes too easy to dwell on what’s come before without any thought of what might be in front of you.

over time, it became apparent to me that all jodi and her husband really had to hold onto was that brief time that we were together back in wales. every time i’d see them, talk would inevitably turn to that time, or something we’d done then, or musing over the fates of some of the other people we’d known during that period.

what i was finding out was that they tended to dwell in the “then” because their “now” kinda sucked – they were rearing a child who had proven difficult for either of them to handle, and i don’t think that they ever really adapted to being with each other outside that particular environment. it seemed like they really wanted to be the jodi and art that they were when they were still in the navy, still in wales, but they weren’t anymore – and they never really came to terms with that.

(as an aside, i think that the relationship i had with her sister suffered the same fate…but i digress.)

i guess i’m just wondering if this percolating nostalgia regarding my first apartment of late might be symptomatic of a larger, unaddressed issue rooted in the present.

i mean, that seems largely unlikely…but it’s not entirely impossible.

i do, however, have a very real sense of some things needing to be fixed…things of the “i can’t get past this until it’s remedied” nature. and, of course, i have no real idea what the remedy itself is. i don’t even know if the remedy is on my plate, in terms of who fixes it. i don’t know if the conversation from last night will end up addressing the problem, or actually making it worse. i definitely get the sense that the discussion isn’t over, though.

and yeah, i know how cryptic all this must sound…but i think it best for the moment. sorry.